Camelot, by Hogwarts
by Mrs. Evil Badnasty
Summary: Professor Dumbledore decides to put on a production of "Camelot". Things get a little crazy. A little hint of romance. Mostly pure craziness. Please R&R. No flames.
1. The Announcement

Disclaimer: I own nothing. All characters of Harry Potter belong to JKR. All music belongs to Lerner and Loewe, who are among the greatest of musical theater authors/composers/lyricists. This story was inspired by the story "TheSchool Play?" by I think Moony. If you like this, or even if you don't, you'll love that story. Please R/R that one and R/R this one! Hehe. ^_^= Oh, and if there are any references in the books as to who the true creator of Quidditch is, please tell me (politely). I most likely missed it. I just had to come up with a reason for the play to be put on, so if my reason is totally lame and wrong, then let me know, but please, no flames. Hehe, kind of an oxymoron, isn't it?

The students of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry were gathered in the Great Hall for breakfast, when Professor Dumbledore cleared his throat loudly. Don't ask me how everyone heard him, but they all fell silent almost immediately.

"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen," the elderly wizard said. "I have some exciting news. Your fellow teachers and I have decided to put on a production."

A buzz of excited chatter went through the crowd of students. Fred Weasley could be heard shouting, "Is it 'The Bloody Ghost of Christmas Past'?"

Dumbledore smiled and shook his head. "Quiet down, everyone! Quiet down and I shall tell you!" he exclaimed. Everybody obeyed. He cleared his throat. "This year, the students, and teachers for that matter, shall be performing the musical "Camelot" as a welcoming present to Miss Gorgola Schniggle, who will be visiting us in the spring."

Draco Malfoy looked at his headmaster with a look of absolute shock. "Gorgola Schniggle? _The_ Gorgola Schniggle?" he asked incredulously. "The creator of Quidditch?"

Dumbledore nodded vigorously. "The very same. She will arrive on March 3, so we need to get started right away. Auditions for the parts will be held next Monday at 5:00. Callbacks will take place the following day. That is all." He sat down and began to eat.

Immediately everyone in the hall turned to the person next to him and started talking about the musical.

"Of course I know about 'Camelot'!" Hermione was saying flippantly. "I read about it in _A History of Great Castles_. It was where the great King Arthur lived! Don't tell me you've never heard of it, Ron!"

Ron shook his head. "Hermione, if you told me you hadn't heard of something, I would probably have a heart attack. You know everything from what the very first ant's name was to the king of the Greek gods! I mean seriously, you nearly dislocate your arm every time a teacher asks a question. If Professor Binns asked us who Agoogoo Preliminary was you'd probably know! And I just made that name up!"

Hermione looked at him sourly. "For your information, the first ant's name was Herbert, the king of the Greek gods was Zeus, and you did NOT make that name up, because Agoogoo Preliminary was the inventor of Wizard Scizzerz." She finished eating quickly and gave Ron a very putout look. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go practice my singing and acting for the auditions next week."

"Who're you trying out for, Hermione?" Harry asked.

"Oh! None other than the beautiful Lady Nimue! The Lady of the Lake!" She walked off to the Gryffindor common room, leaving Harry with a smile on his face and Ron still goggling after her.

After breakfast, Harry and Ron went off to the Gryffindor common room to see if they could find Hermione. They approached the Fat Lady's picture.

"Why, hello there, young ones! Come to practice for that play thing?" the Fat Lady asked them pleasantly. "Just a little while ago, a girl came in. Had the most beautiful voice, she did. I think she might still be practicing, if you're lucky!"

Harry and Ron exchanged fascinated looks. Hermione? Beautiful voice? They both smiled at the Fat Lady. "Plastic Wand," they said simultaneously.

"That's right!" She swung open to reveal the common room.

The two boys walked in quietly, so as not to disturb Hermione if she was indeed still practicing. She was.

They stopped abruptly, listening to the beautiful sounds coming down from the girls' dormitory.

Far from day, far from night,

Out of time, out of sight,

In between earth and sea

We shall fly; follow me

Dry the rain, warm the snow

Where the winds never go

Follow me, follow me, follow me

To a cave by a sapphire shore

Where we'll walk through an emerald door

And for thousands of breathless evermores my life you shall be

Only you, only I

World farewell, world goodbye

To our home 'neath the sea

We shall fly; follow me

Follow me, follow me, follow me.

"Wow," Ron breathed. "Is thatHermione?"

"I dunno," Harry said, in a voice as equally awed as Ron's.

Just then, Neville walked in. "Hiya Harry! Hiya Ron! What's up?"

"SHHHHH!!!!" both boys hissed at once.

Neville jumped. "Why?" he whispered.

"Listen," Harry said.

Neville listened, and he too was dumbfounded at the beauty of Hermione's voice.

In a matter of minutes, all of the Gryffindors were gathered in the common room, staring up the stairs and listening to Hermione sing. She sang the song over and over again, yet they never tired of it.

When she finally came downstairs, she nearly screamed at the sight of everyone staring at her. She turned beet red and turned to run back upstairs and cry.

Harry began applauding her. He was quickly joined by Ron, then Neville, then the rest of the Gryffindors.

She turned around and blushed an even deeper red, and tears of happiness rolled down her cheeks.

"That was bloody amazing!" George Weasley exclaimed. "Good Lord, Hermione, where the devil did you learn to sing like that?"

"I don't know," Hermione whispered. "I just, I dunno, learned it. I've loved to sing all my life."

"Hermione, if you sing like that, what are you doing trying out for such a small part?" asked Angelina Johnson. "Nimue only sings that tiny song. If I had a voice like yours, I'd totally try out for Guenevere."

Hermione blushed again. "No, it's ok. I'm happy just trying out for Nimue."

Angelina shrugged. "Whatever you say. I still think you'd make the best Guenevere out of all of us.

There was a murmur of assent throughout the Gryffindors, and Hermione felt like she was going to burst.


	2. The Auditions

Disclaimer: Camelot belongs to Alan Jay Lerner and Frederick Loewe. Harry Potter and all associated characters (except Professor Alleda) belong to JKR.

Auditions were starting any minute. Hermione was anxiously looking around at all the people who were filling the Hogwarts auditorium. Harry and Ron were beside her, reassuring her and telling her that there was no way she could miss this part.

Professor Dumbledore, Professor McGonagall, Professor Sinistra, Professor Flitwick, and Hagrid were sitting behind a long table, apparently the judges' table. Dumbledore stood up and cleared his throat. Once again, miraculous silence enveloped the crowd.

"I would just like to inform you that any teachers you do not see at this table will also be auditioning for parts in the musical. However, have no fear," he said, indicating the panicky shouts that had just began rising from several people at this announcement. "We will be judging people by present-day talent, not past experience or age. Now, if you would please, form a single-file line starting from this side of the stage [he pointed to the left side, where a small flight of stairs led up to a large stage] and ending wherever it ends. Thank you very much. When you finish your audition, we ask that you please exit on the other side of the stage and return to your common rooms or wherever you were going."

He sat down among the other judges and the students and other teachers formed a single file line.

Hermione looked at Harry and Ron nervously. "Are you guys trying out?" she asked them.

"Yeah, what the heck?" Harry shrugged. "What've we got to lose?"

Ron laughed. "Okay, whatever. What are you gonna try out for, Harry?"

"I think, Lancelot," he replied, striking a dramatic pose.

Ron and Hermione cracked up. "Hah!" Ron exclaimed. "You look just like Lockhart!"

At this, Hermione stopped laughing and gave Ron a very dirty look.

"What?!" asked Ron indignantly. "I'm simply trying out for Merlin!"

"Oh, really?" asked Hermione, raising an amused eyebrow. "In what universe?"

"Why this one, of course!"

"Hm."

"Oh, look!" Harry pointed. "It's Malfoy!"

Malfoy, of course, was trying out for King Arthur's illegitimate son, Sir Mordred. He sang (badly):

__

The seven deadly virtues, those ghastly little traps

Oh no, my liege, they were not meant for me

The seven deadly virtues were made for other chaps

Who love a life of failure and ennui

Take courage, now there's a sport

An invitation to the state of rigor mort

And purity, a noble yen

And very restful every now and then

I find humility means to be hurt

It's not the earth the meek inherit, it's the dirt

Honesty is fatal; it should be taboo

Diligence, a fate I would hate

If charity is giving, I give it to you

And fidelity is only for your mate

You'll never find a virtue un-statusing my quo

Or making my Beezlebubble burst

Let others take the high road; I will take the low

I cannot wait to rush in where angels fear to go

With all those seven deadly virtues

Free and happy little me has not been cursed

The Slytherins who were auditioning all applauded loudly and whistled. The members of the other houses booed emphatically. Harry and Ron were too busy covering their ears in horror to do either. Hermione applauded politely, even though her face was screwed up in an effort not to laugh.

They all had to endure several more pitiful performances before Hermione had the chance to go up and sing. She sang the same song she had sung in the Gryffindor common room, and the rest of the hall was as entranced by her voice as the Gryffindors had been.

Ron was too busy looking behind him to pay attention to what Hermione was singing. He nudged Harry. "Hey, Harry, look!" He discreetly pointed to someone standing three people in back of them. Harry turned around and his mouth nearly fell off.

Professor Severus Snape was standing there, a softened look on his face, with tears glistening in his cold black eyes. A small smile played on his lips as he watched Hermione sing her heart out on stage.

"Harry, Snape's trying out for a part!" Ron whispered.

"No duh, Ron. The thing that shocks me is the look on his face! He almost looks humane!"

"Yeah."

Hermione finished her song, and there was no applause. Everyone was too shocked by the beauty of her voice that they couldn't do anything but stare at her, many with gaping mouths. She blushed on stage. Tears in her eyes, she ran off and out of the auditorium.

One pair of hands began to clap. Many heads turned to see Professor Snape applauding his student with exuberant admiration. Snape, like Harry in the common room, was soon joined by others in the hall. Soon, Malfoy and his gang of "followers" were the only ones not clapping.

Hermione slowly walked back, and stood in the doorway of the auditorium, listening to the applause she had wished for all of her life. Tears ran down her cheeks, and Dumbledore had to call for quiet four times before the ovation died down.

Harry and Ron rushed through their auditions, then hid near the doorway to hear how their hated professor would do in his. When he stepped up on stage, a hush came over the still buzzing crowd. They all stared at him, wondering what the heck a person like him was doing trying out for a part like King Arthur.

Dumbledore, even, was a bit surprised. "Why, Severus, I never knew you had a theatrical interest," he commented.

"Things change, Albus," Snape grunted. He turned to the pianist, a new professor named Alleda. "Do you know 'How to Handle a Woman'?" he asked her.

"Well, I say! Why are you asking me such a question? I do believe, Severus, that that is a tad inappropriate!" she huffed.

Dumbledore chuckled. "No, no, Greta! He was merely asking if you knew the song on the piano!"

Professor Alleda realized her mistake and grinned sheepishly. "Oh, of course. I knew that." She placed her hands on the piano and played an ostentatious introduction, then looked at Snape, indicating for him to start.

He cleared his throat, then began to sing. His voice was a deep baritone, and it blended well with the music.

__

How to handle a woman

There's a way said a wise old man

A way known by every woman since the whole rigmarole began

Do I flatter her, I begged him answer

Do I threaten or cajole or plead

Do I brood or play the gay romancer

Said he smiling, "No indeed."

How to handle a woman

Mark me well, I will tell you, sir

The way to handle a woman is to love her

Simply love her, merely love her

Love her, love her

Harry glanced at Hermione, who had remained afterwards to see Snape's performance as well. Her eyes, like Snape's had, glistened with tears, and her hands were clasped in front of her chest. Harry noticed, also, that the teacher's eyes had remained mostly in their direction throughout his whole song.

The acclaim Professor Snape received for his performance was thunderous. No one cared that he was the most hated teacher in the whole school. No one cared that his hair was greasier than a McDonald's cheeseburger. All they cared about was the fact that he did a wonderful job singing his song. Professor McGonagall had tears streaming down her face as she gave her fellow teacher a standing ovation.

Snape said nothing, looked at no one, only walked off stage with an odd look on his face.

There weren't very many good performances throughout the auditions. Lavender Brown delivered a stunning performance of "The Simple Joys of Maidenhood", and Seamus Finnigan did quite a good job singing "C'est Moi".

After the auditions, Dumbledore stood up and said, "All right, all you students hiding behind the door to the auditorium come on in here. I have an announcement."

Sheepishly, half the students who had auditioned came shuffling into the room.

"There will be no callbacks tomorrow," Dumbledore said, looking around. "The judges have decided who the parts will be going to." He straightened his glasses and picked up a sheet of paper. "The part of King Arthur will be going to Professor Severus Snape, whom I believe followed instructions and returned to his office." A scattered ovation was the product of this announcement; everyone seemed to have lost their previous enthusiasm for the professor. "The part of Guenevere will be going to Miss Hermione Granger." There was a much more effervescent response to that. 

Hermione blushed again, but whispered to Harry and Ron, "That's not the part I wanted. I don't like being the center of attention." Harry was about to reply, when Dumbledore continued with dishing out the parts.

"The part of Lancelot goes to Seamus Finnigan. The part of Merlin goes to Ron Weasley. The part of Lady Nimue goes to Lavender Brown. Sir Dinadan will be played by Dean Thomas. Sir Sagramore will be Harry Potter. Sir Mordred will be Draco Malfoy. Sir Lionel will be played by Ernie Macmillian. The soloist in 'Fie on Goodness' will be Peeves. No comments, please, ghosts were permitted to try out but hardly any of them decided to. Peeves came to my office and voiced his request yesterday, as he was unable to attend the auditions today. The soloist in 'Guenevere' will be Parvati Patil. Other knights' parts will be posted on the doorways of each classroom. The boy Tom will be played by Dennis Creevey. Thank you for auditioning everyone, and I do hop that Gorgola Schniggle will enjoy this performance, as will all of you."

He turned around and left with the other teachers.

Harry and Ron turned around to face each other. "We got parts!" they shouted simultaneously. Then they erupted into peals of laughter.

"I just tried out so I could see how Hermione did! I didn't actually expect to get the part! And I even got the part I tried out for! Hah!" Ron exclaimed.

"Yeah! I did the same thing! And I got Sir Sagramore!" Harry cried. Then he stopped. He glanced at Hermione, a puzzled look on his face. "Who's Sir Sagramore?"

"A knight," she whispered back.

Ron stopped laughing, too, when he saw the look on Hermione's face.

"Hermione, what the devil is the matter with you? You just got the lead part!" he told her, wanting to shake her.

Harry thought a moment. "Yeah, Ron, but remember who her sweetie is in the play? King Arthur?"

Ron stopped. "Oh, yeah. My God Hermione, I'm sorry. You must be dreading this play more than any of us."

"It's not that," she replied, her voice still in a whisper. "I--I don't want to talk about it right now."

She turned around and left the two boys standing there, gaping after her. "Is she bloody mad?" Ron asked incredulously. "If she's going to be upset about something, it might as well be something worth being upset about! If she's not upset about Snape being her hubby, and she _is _upset about getting the lead role in the play, then what the devil is her problem?"

"I don't know," Harry replied, shaking his head. "But whatever it is, I'm pretty sure it has something to do with Snape."

"What makes you say that?"

"Did you see the way they looked at each other while the other was performing? Both of them had tears in their eyes, and both of them looked simply blissful watching the other! Didn't you notice that?"

"Come to think of it, yeah, I did."

Harry stared after Hermione. "I'm going to find out what's going on if it kills me," he said resolutely.

"Yeah, me too," Ron agreed.

Then they both walked after Hermione, each more confused than the other.

OK, the next chapter is probably going to come pretty soon. Please review it so far, though! Tenks! ^_^=


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